Farewell

Today i bid farewell to this feeling i have held on to for so long, hoping things will go my way someday, but i finally realize it, its just not for me, that someday ain't coming. Holding on to something that has been really easy for everyone else around, knowing someday it'll come my way, but now do i realize it din't and it never will, so yes i guess this is the end of it, a lesson well learned finally after year and years of suffering i let go it , let go of what i thought it would be, letting go of what could have been. Not knowing where to go from here, i know i gotta move, i know i gotta let go coz i finally realize standing here waiting at the crossroads will always and forever leave me waiting for something that is never gonna come my way, what is the point, what is the point of it all anyways, all i know is it is finally time to take that long awaited step forward, forward towards the unknown, forward to the life that awaits me, forward to all the surprises, the good and the bad.

A feeling gone by

I saw this girl today, looking straight at me, her eyes blank, no sign of any emotion, no questions, no answers. It was impossible to make out what she was thinking, this girl so familiar yet a tiny fragment of a distant memory. I closed my eyes and after a moment too long i remembered a different version of this face, the one that used to smile, the one which had twinkling eyes, the one that had so many questions unanswered, running endlessly after her dreams, but today she just stared at me with all of that missing, stared with those empty eyes. Scared to ask what had happened to her i just moved on,walked away and i just let that girl in the mirror be.

Walk Away.

Walk Away, Walk away before you get too attached,

Walk away before you can't walk back,

Walk away before someone gets hurt,

Walk away before it all starts to not matter,

Walk away before you can’t let go,

Walk away before you are standing alone,

Walk away before it’s no longer fun anymore,

Walk away before its too late to start over again.

Take Your Time.

Sometimes all you need is time that is, it.
Take time to judge someone,
Also take time to judge a situation.
Take time to fall in love,
Also time to Fall out of love,
Take time to heal a broken heart,
Take time in choosing gifts,
Take time before you decide to hate someone,
Take time to trust,
Also take time to let go,
Take time to move on.
Take time to set your targets,
Take time to build new relationships,
Take time to accept the changes in your life.

Yeh Din

Kuch toh baat hai iss din mein,
Ki aaj iss dil ne phir himmat ki hai.
Un andhere kinaaro se hatt kar,
Phir Mohabbat karne ki zarurat ki hai.

Kuch toh baat hai iss din mein,
Ki iss dil ne darna nahin chah.
Wapas gaya jung ke maidaan mein,
Phir se na girne ki umeed ki hai.

Kuch toh baat hai iss din mein,
Ki aaj zakhmo ko bharne nahin hai.
Taaze zakhmo mein tum kya,
Hum khud hi teer maar denge.

Still Standing.

Again standing at the same crossroads,
Knowing the risk of getting hurt,
You still want to walk that road again.

Your heart tells you to try,
Try, before you think of what could have been.
Your experienced bad luck tells you,
You've been here, done this, got hurt, not again please.

And this time for the sake of your sanity,
You take the risk of wondering what could have been,
Of letting go, before even trying again,
You'd rather do that than to get hurt a second time,
For the same damn reason.

But you neither move on,
Nor do you go back,
You standstill at the crossroad.

Going back means too much to loose,
Walking forward means too much to loose.
You wish you could stand on the crossroad forever,
Because for now its the safest place to be.

If only , if only that was an option here today,

That feeling after.

After every war comes a remorse,
A remorse so bad, it makes you wanna kill someone.
A realization of what you've lost in this fight,
Even after the victory is yours.



But the battles that were fought,
The battles that you have lost.
And everything lost in these lost battles,


Makes you realize you can never get some things back.
Some people, some feelings,
That part of you that is lost forever.
And you have to move on leaving it all behind.

Like it is said,
To gain somethings,
sometimes you gotta let go of some things.
But sometimes the price you pay is too high.
And no matter how hard you try,
The winds have changed.
And there is no turning back now.

Put that Smile back on

Put that Smile back on,

'Cause the world need you to smile.

It Don't care what's hidden behind it,

It don't care if its hard for you.

Put that Smile back on,

For your tears are no longer accepted.

For they want it to be a better place,

A happy place for you and me.

Put that Smile back on,

Its not for you, its for them.

Them, who give you the tears,

It don't matter to them.

Put that Smile back on,

For you still love them,

Even if they love you no more,

For they know how to hurt you.

Put that Smile back on,

'Cause you can't say goodbye yet

'Cause you still want to hold on

'Cause you still care.

Put that Smile back on,

'Cause the world need you to smile.

wait is longer than you think...

I stand by the ocean and count every wave that brushed through my feet,

Watch the sun go deep down into the sea, watch the sky showing off different colors,

watch the last flock of birds fly towards the sun,

And feel the first tear of the evening roll down my cheeks

As i wait for the day, the hour, the moment you'd come for me, come to me.

As darkness falls upon me, and i can no longer see the horizon,

I make my way back to the memories we've shared, the dreams we shared,

I make my way back to the yesterday I want back,

I make my way back to the today I wish I had,

I make my way back to the tomorrow I had hoped for.

In darkness i look up at the sky, demanding answers for everything,

And the sparkling sky , just stares back at me blankly,

And i accept defeat and make my way back,

Hoping for a hopeful tomorrow, hoping for a better tomorrow.

I am too afraid to let it go, but i am not gonna be the first on. I will wait, wait for the right time,even though I know deep within that the day might never come, too much and too many have come between this wonderful friendship i once cherished, everytime i am out on the roads i can still hear our voices talking to each other, fighting the wind as we speed off to anywhere and everywhere.

I finally say farewell my friend, but i wish and wish it from the bottom of my heart that you knew that i'll always be there for you, no matter what has happened coz i know it was not all your fault and not all my fault either.

Sometimes you just have to leave things the way they are, coz maybe u cant fix it or maybe fixing may just take a lot out of you. What do you do? Just sit by and watch the world go by, you think maybe you'll regret it later not trying to sort things out, then you think goin back and talking about everything that has hurt you so much is gonna hurt you more, then you think that 10 years down the line you dont wanna sit at you porch and think about what could have been coz that is probably the worse thing ever, then you think that you are strong enough to leave everything behind, and all this wont bother you and the biggest question you ask is 'WHAT IF IT DOES?'

i ask a thousand questions to myself again and again....and the only answer i get is LET IT GO... which easier said than done.......

Things never happen the same way twice....

It started out as a feeling

Which then grew into a hope

Which then turned into a quiet thought

Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder

'Til it was a battle cry
I'll come back

When you call me

No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing

Doesn't mean it's never

Been this way before

All you can do is try to know

Who your friends are

As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon

And follow the light

You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye
You'll come back

When it's over

No need to say good bye
Now we're back to the beginning

It's just a feeling and now one knows yet

But just because they can't feel it too

Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger

'Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye
You'll come back

When they call you

No need to say good bye

By- Regina Spektor

Sometimes one just gives up and wants to go back to those not so big amazing moments in life, like just to get a glimpse of your first crush you'd walk on the streets randomly, like when it was a pleasure to sit beside the phone and wait for the call that would make your day, like the time you'd take hours and hours to decide what gift will be the best one for that special person,like a summer fling, the feeling that you got when you looked back and saw that person staring right back at you and his eyes saying that he'd be there when you come back next summer.

But soon you realise that things do not happen the same way again, cause this time when you go wandering down the streets you know for sure you wont find him, you know that the phone might ring, but the it will never ever be the call you've been expecting, or when you go back this summer that person is for sure not going to be there. But again something in your heart would just want you to look back just once, it'll still make you hopelessly wanna sit next to the phone ...just in case things are the same...hehe they wont be..

Its so weird and sometimes so pissing off in my case, but its always hard to accept the truth.

Like i am gonna meet this friend after like two years, and i know and i guess even she knows that both of us have changed this span of two years, and i don,t know if its gonna be the same like it was two years ago or not, will still find the friend that we had two years ago in each other, or there'll a weird kind of awkwardness in our conversations... and we'd wish if we could just rewind time and be 17 again , and it's gonna hurt to not be able to do that ....anyways i'll end here before i frustrate myself

IN MEMORY OF LATE HEATH LEDGER

the amazing actor,

Hate the way you talk to me,

and the way you cut your hair.

I hate the way you drive my car,

I hate it when you stare.

I hate your big dumb combat boots

and the way you read my mind.

I hate you so much it makes me sick,

it even makes me rhyme.

I hate the way you're always right,

I hate it when you lie.

I hate it when you make me laugh,

even worse when you make me cry.

I hate it when you're not around,

and the fact that you didn't call.

But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you,

not even close,

not even a little bit,

not even at all.

This poem is frm his movie '10 things i hate about you',

I just felt like putting it here i dont know why, maybe cz of his amazin acting in 'the dark knight' or maybe i just like this poem, or the way it was read in the movie, or the significance in had in the movie....

i Dunno somtimes i just putting stuff on my blogs that really touch my heart even if its not written by me

Somewhere I DONT Belong

While still in Pune before the vacations I had planned a sleepover with a two of my childhood friends, we had grown up together, had build so many dreams together , crushed on the same guy so many times, made so many future plans for so many things I can’t even list’em out, talked on phone for ages, even though we were in different schools and one of us was in a different continent, but somehow we had managed to keep in touch , Saddy the one still in Delhi and I often hung out together on weekends and made plans for movies and just going here and there even though we were in different schools and had different friends nothing mattered because we had more gossips to share when we met. We were always in touch with Sarah who was in South Africa through the net , and whenever all three of us were in Delhi we had a blast.
This time as well we had planned loads and loads of stuff the sleepover was one of’em. So we decided that Saddy and I would go to Sarah’s place which was in Aya Nagar, which is a small under developed area on the mehrauli- gurgaon road (I guess)... coz I don’t go there often, as my dad is always against me goin there considering the place and the crowd there is not decent (no offense), but it dint matter to me as long as all three of us would be together. Since my Dad was against it there was no one two drop us to Sarah’s place so we had to take the bus, which turned out to be a two hour ride....and that’s a lot of time. Once there the dust had covered my hair , there were no good roads o walk on there everywhere there was dust, and walking walking finally we reached Sarah’s place. There we just lay on the bed at first thinking what to talk about, drank water and went for lunch, we had lunch in this small dhaba kinda place called Inder, which was the only eating out place her, where they had only chowmein so that all we had and went back to her place , changed our clothes into somthing comfortable and just sat and talked......There the shock was coming now.... So now as we started chatting about everyone we knew... I found that they had become best friends with people I hate , people I can’t stand the sight of, they were hanging out people my parents had forbidden me to, all of who hated me in return as well...and they kept on telling me stories about what they do as a group and all the kind of kewl stuff they do, and they now had dreams I was no longer a part of, they had a life that I no longer was a part of, they had a friend circle I was not a part of and I could never be a part off... and they kept goin on and on and on ...their life had changed so much and I felt left, they tried really hard to make feel like a guest but thats not what I wanted , I wanted the us back talking about cartoons and stupid movies like we used to when we were in 8th grade (that time we were in the same school)....I tried my best not feel left out, they were the same person within, it was like the way they looked at me had changed...
So as the sun started setting we went out for a walk , and then Saddy said , “Yaar, Ally has come yaar we have to do something crazy and wild” and I thought what could be the craziest and the wildest thing we could do here in Aya Nagar? “Let’s get alcohol” I said which took both my friends by surprise, but after thinking it through they agreed...so they called up this friend of theirs and asked him to get some vodka.....So around 9:00 pm all three of us went to the terrace with some chips and limca and everything....there also my friends kept on talking about their ‘other friends’ and I felt left out again , and I couldn’t even be a part of their conversation, so I just sat their and was missing my friends in Pune, the ones I had made in Pune ...... So after having three large vodka shots, I was still not high, feeling all left out and feeling out of place....I called up Elli my ex roommate in Pune, she was in Surat right now, she dint pick up.... a message came after 5 mins “out with mum and sorry will call l8r”, then I tried calling Sharon my roommate and my best friend her was out of service. And now I felt like I was stranded in some island and I had no way out.... I guess the sleepover was a bad idea... and I was sad and angry at the fact that I dint belong here anymore, and the fact that they had a life without me and it hurt ...very much and I dint know what to do....and it struck me I could call Apurv in Dubai, and maybe talking to him would make me feel better....but again it would mean making an international call....but then I told myself.... ‘Ally it’s time to be selfish now’ and I did have balance ... so I called him ....he was obviously surprised that I was calling all the way from Delhi...but just after 10-15 minutes of talking we had a fight and I hung up....feeling even more miserable....i no longer knew my childhood friends , was mad at one of my very good friends and would probably never talk to him again, and I had no one to talk to ......so I started crying....and to get back at him I smoked (for which my friends in Pune are going to kill the moment they find out...nd how smoking was getting back at him is a different story).... but like always I dint know how to and inhaled all of it and couldn’t exhale any of it.... yeah i can never learn how to smoke(Thank god)...When Sarah saw that I was a mess she took the cig from me and finished it and then I was still crying... they thought I was cry only coz of the fight ....but they dint know that they had changed so much... I no longer knew who they were...and I was all alone there and I couldn’t even talk to the three very close friends I made in Pune. And so they tried to talk to me, but I gave some lame reason...and cried myself to sleep......
Next morning we woke up made breakfast and sat in the living room and talked about stuff...when both Elli and Sharon called one after another I told them what happened last night , both of’em freaked out on hearing that I smoked Sharon I am sure is not going to talk to me when I get back to Pune.. She gave her signature lecture which has only three words “Ally bas kar” and that makes all the difference....
Those two phone calls made me realise that yeah I don’t belong here anymore, my lifestyle had changed ...and so had theirs , I can’t blame anyone , we could no longer be the kids who dreamt of marrying some comic character ...we had grown up and so had our lives and no matter how much we wanted to we cannot go back there....so after these calls I went and sat with my friends and talked about other things and made some new unrealistic dreams together , even though they were unrealistic they still had the three of us, and so we talked for hours and hours again in the morning building new dreams and accepting each other with our new lives. I was happy in my life in Pune and they were happy here, and every time I had come to Delhi both of’em had made efforts to keep this friendship still go on... so what if I dint talked to them for long hours on the phone.... I knew that some friends are going to be there forever. And we these thoughts in my mind, I started for the 2 hour bus ride home........The sleepover was a good thing..... I finally knew where I belonged

An ode to the lost christmas

There is a Christmas carol that goes like
“Oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree of all the trees most lovely”
I wanna sing all these Christmas carols so loudly that the whole building could hear it. I know it’s a little too early to talk about Christmas, since we just got over with diwali, but I can’t stop thinking about it, coz I have finally realised that its never again going to be the way it was two years from now, Now for many years to come ‘My Christmas’ is going to be dry like last years, where I had to attend the Christmas in a language I dint even understand.
I guess that’s the worst part of staying away from family, you enjoy the freedom, u enjoy the laziness, u enjoy the dirty rooms.....but when it comes to holidays and festivals all you do is just miss family, you miss the childhood days, when you lived with your mommy and daddy and annoying siblings, because you are brought up in a way to love those holidays... and all of a sudden u are on your own, with no mommy or daddy or the annoying siblings...
I remember Christmas two years from now when I was still in school and lived with mom and dad and my annoying sibling and when I STILL lived in DELHI, my job was always to force my family to go out and buy Christmas decorations and new clothes ... a week before Christmas ... yeah I can still picture it ... on the 21s of December every year, Christmas carols by Boney M playing on the stereo in my room with full volume so that it would be heard all over the house I’d be singing them, making snowflakes, snowman out of thermacol and cotton, and my sister unwillingly helping me with it , and then putting up the Christmas tree – the best part, and decorating it, putting green Reith all over the house, putting up big stars in all of the balconies, putting up lights all over the house, I never gave up until the entire living room was covered with red, green and golden stuff. Mom making all sorts of Christmas cookies, Dad making all varieties of Christmas cake known to man and I like a robot helping both of’em and decorating the house as well. And then we’d have the carol singers come to our house and sing the best of Christmas carols. And on the eve of Christmas all four of us would just sit in the living room, sip hot chocolate/coffee along with the cookies and admire my work and then go to sleep early....so we could get up for the midnight mass late night.
We’d all get up at 10 and leave for church by 11:00, and the offering in the church would go on for two hours, filled with Christmas plays and carols- yet again. And then after the offering everyone would wish each other a very happy and merry Christmas, irrespective of the fact that whether they know them or not and then we’d have cake and tea in the church at 2:00 am and sing loudly and then go back home and sleep.....
And then on Christmas morning we’d all get up late and as lazily as possible get ready and go to some cousin’s place for “The Christmas Gathering” where every damn family member in Delhi would come with guitars and keyboards , everybody will get together and make the most amazing lunch ever, coz it was not a party hosted by a family it would always be a gathering so the meal would always have a dish from every family . And then we’d play games everyone the kids, the teens, the adults everyone and sitting on rugs with eight to ten of us kids trying to fit under one quilt, basically sitting anywhere we could squeeze ourselves into in that room where everybody sat and have coffee, cakes , cookies and listen to all the grandma stories told by our parents ........ I miss those days
Last Christmas was the worst one ever, even though my friends tried to make it as special as possible , by filling the stocking that I had hung in my hostel with gifts and loads and loads of chocolates I loved them for that, something was missing, even my room was decorated and I had a two feet Christmas tree standing on my table, it was not the same......coz it’s no fun decorating a Christmas tree that is not taller that you are, and no Boney M Christmas carols and plus attending the Xmas offering in a language I had no clue about was sad damn sad.
And what’s more sad is that kind of Xmas is never ever going to come back coz even this year too I won’t be able to go back to Delhi for Xmas coz my parents are going out of Delhi to celebrate Christmas, and I’ll once again be stuck with that two feet Xmas tree with no carols... and after this year and the years to come I am always going to long for those red green and golden Christmas, coz now all us kids have grown up and gone our separate ways to different parts of the world.....leaving behind just memories.
But I’ll still hope for the Christmas where everyone is there, maybe 6-7 years down the line when half of us cousins are married, where we are all sitting in a big room at someone’s place sipping hot chocolate and having ‘Christmas cakes and cookies’.
Yeah I know I know.... it dint make much of sense to hope for something that’s a thing in the present past.....but like I say.... Nothing ever does

nick of time

dont you like sometimes wish that everything would just stop for a moment like ...like in
wen u r watching a movie nd u wanna take a break u pause...if only u cud do that with your
life , coz everything is moving so fast , somtimes you dont even get time to think or
breath...You knw smtimes i wish i cud just sit and watch the world pass by , i mean ..... ok i
dont even knw what i am trying to prove here... its just dat everything happens so fast...for
one-you grow up so fast and you dont even realise it...for instance just 10 yrs ago u wished
oh damn its gonna take 10 more yrs to be der whr i wanna be ... and 2day if u look back it'll
jst feel as if it were only a couple of days ago that you wer dreaming of being whr you are
today .second - sometimes relationships break in a nick of time, 2 minutes ago u are friends and the
next moment u have a fight and u break so many years of friendship - just like that , you
dont care about the days and weeks and smtimes even months u spent bulding that great
friendship, coz it may now seem a mistake, a like, a joke....coz you are hurt and u dont care
to look beyond your ego, you may think that somtimes you can , but the truth is that you
dont want to look beyond that , even if you try to you wont be able to coz you are so full of
anger at that moment that you see only what you want to see.At times like these u wud want things to just ..just stop... so that u cud take a second look and percieve things in a different way ...so that you cud make the rite decision...but then again no matter how hard you try u cant ....coz again like i said ...everything's just goin too fast the world is moving too fast.And then again there are times when you wanna go back in time and fix things ...correct yourself where you and Others went wrong ...... man you wish for so many things and in the end you get so little... and then you think you ae being selfish... and restrict yourself to be happy with what you have and what you get... and then life goes on and then again you think whr you went wrong...nd you'd want that 'nick of time' to think it thru but u wont have it ...so you know its good being selfish sometimes....atleast you get wat you want.......
Yeah ok so i know again this dint make much sense either -----but then again like i always say nothing ever does .......peace out